I feel I experience burnout more often than is healthy as I am only 26. Nonetheless, I can definitely speak on it.
Several weeks ago, I was juggling multiple things, trying to make things work, and overthinking until there was steam coming out of my ears.
I was truly overwhelmed.
I had begun feeling unhappy in my job and feeling stuck. So I began searching for new roles, but in the back of my mind I felt that all my efforts of a new venture were futile. I was battling between the want for something new and lacking the motivation to apply for jobs. This was partially down to the recent rejections I had received and the severe dents to my confidence.
My current accommodation tenancy was coming to an end swiftly and finding a new place was much harder than I planned for. I was constantly on Spareroom and Rightmove everyday, sending emails and making calls – the issue lay with the fact that I was trying to move to a different city; which made attending viewings a lot more difficult. During this time period, I missed out on some awesome viewings, which led to a mini-breakdown and loss of faith for a short time.
In addition, I had become a hermit crab once again, whereby I hardly ever left the house; and the thought of having to go outside gave me acute bouts of anxiety. This made it difficult when a friend of mine (the only one I had in York) would make plans with me and on the day I would inevitably cancel – as the thought of leaving the flat was anxiety-inducing.
You’d think those listed above was enough to have burnout, nonetheless Samara does not do things by halves.
So here I am in my morning shower (after working out – which I severely need to get back to btw), and I notice a small difference in my body…
As most women should know, it’s very important to do regular checks on your breasts to detect any changes that could be cancer. So here I am dutifully checking my breasts and I found a small lump under my breast. And naturally I got a lot scared and anxious.
I tried to carry on with the usual routine of my day, but at the back of my mind, I could not help but think: “do I have cancer now?”
Not forgetting that I am an overthinker, so those thoughts spiralled into: “I’m going to have to go through chemo”, “I may have to get a masectomy”, and “I’m going to die from this”.
*sigh* existential much
But it can happen to any of us.
Hence, as I was trying to claw myself back from the cliff I had damn near thrown myself off, I went online to book a Dr’s appointment. Due to the nature of the need for medical assistance, I was given a phonecall and offered an appointment the next day.
I was relieved at the promptness, but scared of the prospect of the verdict of my new growth.
It goes without saying that all the way up until the nurse gave me the results, I was a bonafide wreck.
I remember (or not really remember at all how I got through work), and how I speed-walked to the surgery, breathlessly told the receptionist my name, and proceeded to sweat whilst acclimatising to the office temperature whilst I waited for my name to be called.
You can imagine it can’t you?
As the nurse came and called my name, I got up and followed her into her office. She then proceeded to tell me to take off the top half of my clothes and call for her when I’m ready – after going through the friendly routine.
[By the way, even though I had showered before going to the Dr’s, I was sure the sweat that I had accumulated had started to smell – it didn’t, but I was so nervous]
I stripped and called the nurse in, I showed her where the lump was and she proceeded to give me an extensive exam (I say extensive because I did not realise the large proportion of surface area that was to be included in a breast exam).
As she began to feel around the lump, I started to get panicky and cry. It was then I realised how scared I was. The nurse was so awesome though and checked on me. I just disclosed to her that because one of my grandmother’s had breast cancer, I had always thought I may get it…
[Not many people know that at all]
Once she had concluded the exam, she left me to get dressed and go sit at the desk.
I was on tenterhooks…
The nurse began explaining that my lump was unlike a cancerous lump and was more than likely a cyst. All the anxiety flew out of my body – the relief unmatched.
She began to tell me this cyst was more than likely a result of my being tired, stressed and rundown. She asked if this applied to me, I simply nodded and smiled.
[But in my head I was screaming: YYYYYEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!]
The nurse then advised me that the lump should reduce in the next few weeks, especially as I was due to menstruate soon, she gave me three weeks for the cyst to reduce.
I was over the moon and simultaneously exhausted. With the situations I had been juggling and the stress over the lump in my breast, I had officially entered burnout.
I was so burnt out, the stress levels in my body helped develop a cyst [I do not know the actual medical explanations for cysts, don’t quote me] – but you get the idea.
It was as though I couldn’t quite see how run-down and stressed I was, because I was living it. I was hyper-focused on everything I was trying to achieve… So naturally I was not listening to my body, so my body decided to alert me.
I fully heard and felt that warning, and I am heeding it.
Thank God it was just a harmless cyst, and thank God this experience has made me more aware of my body and when I need to rest it.
This experience I have not shared with most people, but I wanted to share to:
1. Highlight the importance of listening to our bodies and not glotifying fatigue and stress because we are trying to make moves. Stress is the silent killer, let’s manage it better
2. Bridge a potential gap and share what some other people may have/or are going through – and so they can feel less alone
3. Remind ladies and gentlemen that it is important to regularly examine your bodies and monitor for any changes – this can save lives
This was my first post in three weeks and I thought I’d share something that was quite difficult and scary. There is true strength in living your full authentic life, and this blog is a testimony to that.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this read. Feel free to let me know your thoughts, I truly love and appreciate those of you who have gone out of their way to let me know they read my words. I’m thankful.
Stay blessed beautiful people xo
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