How does one even begin?
I’ll be honest, this has taken a good while to process and there is still a ways to go. But I’ve definitely come a long way.
My relationship with church life has always been touch and go, not helped by my frequent moving of cities. However, amongst my many moves, along the way I found what I thought at the time was my new home. I was so anxious and determined to make a place for myself to feel like home, I literally jumped in with both feet. It was amazing, I started to see some of these new people as my family, a safe space – and I was delighted. I spent a total of two years at this church and I have a lot of good memories and some questionable ones.
This “church hurt” is something I am still processing, also this isn’t a tell-all exposé either. However, I do think church hurt is very real and something to be addressed more often.
So, the pinnacle of what contributed to my church hurt was when I ultimately decided to do Bible college at the church I was attending. It’s important to note, Bible college was never something I intended to do, however, I do believe God will speak through people to keep us or even get us onto the right path. And that applies to this situation. I was approached by a total of three different people, one of which never really spoke to me before this point. Needless to say I was insanely conflicted and I was struggling to figure out the right decision for me. I eventually gave in – there was something relentless about how I was being “sold” this experience of Bible college, so I literally gave in. I was hopeful though.
It didn’t take long before the first instance occurred when I genuinely questioned what I had gotten myself into. This cohort of students contained more Black people than other years and it showed, as we have a more robust spirit and thus some feathers were ruffled. In response, the class were presented with some form of contract that we had to sign – which regardless of what it said was a little (or a lot) questionable. That was the moment I had a mini existential crisis, and I asked God “What is this?”.
The Bible college ran from September to June/July, I lasted until Easter (April). There were many things that happened that led up to my making that decision (too much to put in this space).
I want to highlight that – besides God – it was my trust in the church leaders that really encouraged me to take a chance on this Bible college experience, and they are subsequently the locus of my church hurt.
It’s so hard to summarise…
I will just mention a few instances that contributed to my leaving the Bible college and inevitably the church.
Firstly, I am quite a methodical person. I like to weigh up the pros and cons of a decision before making it. When it came to deciding whether to enrol, the main worry was finances. I did not have a stable income and was just making my rent each month; so adding an additional circa £180 a month seemed impossible and nonsensical to be perfectly honest. Naturally I went to a church leader to talk about it and they told me that this is the perfect opportunity to let God do miracles etc. Now I believe in miracles, I’ve had a fair few in my life, however this did not sit comfortably with my spirit (discernment is real). They also told me that there was a bursary or some sort of financial aid I can apply for and that was also an option – this seemed more practical and they made it sound to be the equivalent of Student Finance for university. That made me more hopeful, so I enrolled and proceeded to make my application to the financial aid. Little did I know, it was very unlike Student Finance and more like setting up a Go Fund Me – where it was by chance that you’d get something substantial. This was my second indicator that this experience was not quite what I had been told it would be. Nevertheless, I kept on.
Now baring in mind, I was just about making my rent and now I realised getting outside funding was slim-to-none. I started Bible college already behind on the payments (Lord knows I couldn’t afford the deposit), the Dean at the time, called me in for a chat, and of course it was about college payments. [Side note: money can be a super stressful topic, especially when you don’t have any]. I relayed my situation to the Dean and was met with kindness? (I put a question mark, as I question everything). The advice they felt compelled to give was: for me to pay the monthly fee instead of my rent (because it really was an either or situation) – I was already behind on my rent at this point and subsequently crying spontaneously due to the stress of it all. My Mother taught me to always make sure your rent is covered before everything else (we are not talking about tithe here either), so for someone to be advising me to “have faith” and pay the college fees left me dumbfounded. I am all for faith and believing for miracles, but God also spoke about having wisdom and to not test God to be a genie to undo our silly choices. It was fair to say I felt quite alone in regards to tuition payments, as I was then expected to make payments regardless of my money situation.
A further aspect of this experience which essentially led me to question church leadership was when a different church leader slyly tried to intercept my work for a college/church event. Here is some background: as well as the lectures and internships, we also had events for church that college students would serve at. There was a mid-week event, however, I had a job and a shift to attend that same evening (which considering I am expected to pay tuition, you’d think there would be some understanding here right?). The individual in charge of that event messaged me for my whereabouts and I told them I was attending a work shift, then they asked if I was still working at the charity that was also a part of this church, and I told them no, I was working elsewhere and I was no longer working there. It was clear to me that if I had still been working at that charity, I would no longer have to be working that shift and then I would be free to serve at that event… Make of that what you will. I definitely did not appreciate the attempt to undermine myself and my responsibilities concerning employment.
What seemed to be a common thread to this opportunistic manipulation was the lack of separation between the church, the college and the charity. Everyone knew everyone, people overlapped in multiple roles, it was messy. Obviously there is going to be a connection, but it was how this was used that was the problem. If someone decided they “needed” you for something it would be borderline harassment trying to get a hold of the person. I still have issues with Whatsapp group messages – even with my family one, I mute it.
It’s hard to put into words, but there was definitely a “fear” of what would happen if I didn’t turn up to serve, if I didn’t answer a call or if I left – it was crippling sometimes. Like this was ultimately church and these people were “family” to me – it felt so alien by this point. Although, church was marginally separate from college duties (sometimes), I began seeing church as a dark place. I didn’t see God in that building anymore. I remember standing at the top of the hill walking towards the church and feeling the heaviest weight in my chest – this place no longer held a safe space for me, it became a burden, a chore, a place I couldn’t wait to leave.
As time went on, people began dropping like flies, and the last bit of comfort and alliance had fallen away. I didn’t even know why I was doing this anymore, nothing made sense. I was going through the motions, doing what I was told like a robot. Now like I said, I am a methodical person, so when it came to debating my leaving the Bible college I thought long and hard, talked to many people and made a list. I came to the conclusion that I was going to leave, and it was only when I made that decision within myself that I began to breathe again. I was reminded what relief felt like. I no longer had to do something that my heart truly wasn’t in. I no longer had to tolerate the façade. I informed the new Deans (at this point) and left feeling like the weight was lifted.
There were so many more things that occurred, but I just felt to mention a few. I think the main mind F was the fact that “church” is supposed to revolve around God and love and community; and whilst it did, I definitely conflated Christians with perfection. I know, silly right? However, I can admit I held these humans in high regard, and that was my mistake, titles mean nothing to God, so why did I give so much more weight to the role these people played in church? Even though I know these people were not perfect, being in Bible college allowed me to be privy to how ugly people can really be – Christian or not, ugliness knows no bounds.
I also found that for a good amount of people, I served as a function to get something done, to perform a task. For example: people would remember my number and remember to ask how I am when I was available to help them (mostly to serve at a church service). However, when I left it was almost as though I had changed my number because not one of those people – who would have no issue messaging me to serve – asked how I was… Not that I expected it, it really just gave me clarity on who these people were and solidified them not being a part of my next chapter – for which I am thankful.
I am still healing from this. I haven’t been in a church recently (that’s the pandemic’s fault), but before that, I had moved to a different city in August 2019 and the first lockdown happened in March 2020 – that’s a good 6 months. I attended two different churches during that time, each church I attended once. I think that says it all really. When I really think about it, I trusted this church and the people in it and I feel that trust was abused to a certain degree. So now I walk into a church and I sit at the back and I don’t wish to talk to anyone or make any connections because I realise I do not trust church leaders – not anymore anyway. I know that will change in time, I am having grace with myself and trusting the process. I had to mourn that chapter, that part of my life…
There are a lot of people I stopped talking to, but there are a few who I’ve kept around. God is enabling me to learn to trust in people’s leadership again, I cannot say that the next church I attend will be a “both feet in” moment, but maybe I’ll dip a foot in, test the temperature.
Like I said previously, this is something I am still processing and healing from, but I hope my sharing helps someone. I am not the first one in the world ever to experience church hurt, and I won’t be the last.
What led to so much inner turmoil was whether this is something that God was allowing for something greater to come. And that’s what kept me there for so long, just because God is good does not mean bad things won’t happen. But I know God never wanted the hurt that came from this situation and the events that followed over the next year showed that. You had to be there to know though 😉
In future I thinks it’s necessary to remember: to stop people pleasing, lower your expectations and always put God first and centre.
Stay blessed 🙏🏾
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