Anyone else feel like this lockdown is hitting harder the third time around?
I do. It tires me out just to think about how it’s affecting me.
Here’s the “sitch”: I prayed to God on the way to work in March (the day before I got sent home with a laptop to work from home) and I asked that regardless of how, that He helped me keep working and keep the roof over my head. Needless to say God came through as always. I’ve been working from home for nearly 11 months and I am incredibly grateful.
Again I am incredibly grateful.
But I cannot lie and say it’s been easy. I definitely prefer some aspects of working from home, but overall the lockdown situation makes it less than ideal.
Over the past two weeks, I have been struggling majorly. It’s no secret that depression can be a consistency in my life, and although I manage it well, I’ve struggled in a way that makes me pause.
I get up every morning for work and I thank God for life, my family and friends and that I have purpose. I am able to find solace in my flat, rent and bills are paid, I have food. That’s a lot to be thankful for right?
So why is it I feel so bereft? Why do I want to go back to bed and do nothing? Why do I feel so hopeless?
I sit at my laptop and all of a sudden the pressure sinks in. The reality that I don’t feel like working today, with the knowledge that I am so privileged to still have a stable job, leaves me conflicted.
It’s almost like I’m being ungrateful. But I’m not. I’m just so very weary. I’ve been working from home for almost a year – granted I have managed to see some of my loved ones when the lockdown lifted – nonetheless I am weary with it.
God manages to get me through each day, but each day feels so hard.
I’ve always been an overachiever, I love to try and do my best. But with my low mood and feedback on some of my work, my confidence became so low that I felt my quality of work on a whole was declining. And what with me being an existential thinker, I think to myself: “I cannot afford to lose my job!”. So then the pressure increases, and I’m pushing myself beyond my weariness, just to make it through another day.
Tell me, it’s only Wednesday, why does Friday feel like an eon away?
It occurred to me that I should probably let my line manager know that I was not coping as usual. Then my thoughts went again: “It’ll go on your record, it’ll hinder your progress in future.” *sigh* Managing my thoughts is a full-time occupation, you feel me?
So today I messaged my line manager and asked if she was free to chat and we had a call. I started out fine, I told her about my low mood and how I felt it to be affecting my quality etc. As the call went on, I started to cry, as the reality of what I’ve been carrying alone hit me. I avoided having this conversation because when you say things out loud for others to hear, it becomes more real. And I was afraid of what would that mean.
Thankfully, she was a saint and was super understanding. She gave me reassurance as always “You always hit your targets” and as well as that she also acknowledged that just because I always hit my targets, I shouldn’t feel the pressure to do it everyday… She told me with this lockdown situation, hitting my targets isn’t the most important thing, I am.
She proceeded to give me the rest of the week off and take time to really rest.
This wasn’t a planned post and I’m still not fully sure of what I’m trying to say, but there truly is strength found in our weakness. Instead of letting the negative thoughts in to tell me: I’m failing; you’re being silly; you’re weak. I thank God for being so graceful.
Sometimes God allows things for better things to come. God allowed my weariness so that I could rest and know that it’s okay to rest. And it’s not the end of the world if I rest.
Jesus got tired too.
I’m sharing because I feel a lot of weariness on this planet right now. We are currently a weary people. Regardless of those of us who still have a steady income etc, all of us are struggling. And I just wanted to let you know it’s okay.
It’s okay to admit you’ve had enough for today.
It’s okay to admit you don’t like your job at the moment.
It’s okay to admit you miss having a community.
It’s okay to admit you’re tired and weary and need rest.
I’m still learning how to have Grace with myself. I tell people all the time to have more Grace for themselves and here I am killing myself to keep up my momentum.
We could all stand to take a moment and acknowledge whatever we are feeling and feel it, whilst feeling completely safe in the realness of it all.
I write this as I’ve put my laptop away for the rest of the week and started doing a jigsaw puzzle.
My God has always got me, I’m gonna rest in His strength from now on.
Stay Blessed beautiful people ❣️🙏🏾
“But those who trust in the LORD for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.”
Isaiah 40:31 GNB
https://www.bible.com/296/isa.40.31.gnb
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