This is quite easily one of the things that scares me the most.
You know it’s one thing you can’t really take back or have a trial period for? It’s for life.
My thoughts and feelings toward Motherhood, especially in regards to becoming a Mother myself are very complex and personal.
There was a time when children were not just off of my radar, but I didn’t want to have children at all, ever. Or so I thought…
Socialisation is a really powerful tool used to influence a lot of our decisions subconsciously. One particular element that I have battled with is the expectation of myself (being a woman) wanting and having a marriage and children. This has honestly never appealed to me (mostly because of the dysfunctional relationships I had seen growing up). Nonetheless, I have battled with the feeling of having that expectation pushed onto me, and feeling “less than” for not only, not aspiring to that life, but to aspire to more than just that for my life.
I understand and know some people who dream of their wedding and cannot wait to be a housewife with their children. That’s beautiful, but I feel the same excitement when I think about pursuing my career and travelling. It’s taken a long time for me to not look at having a husband and children as being restricted and even imprisoned.
I definitely believe I am one of those individuals who want to “have it all” or at least try my damned hardest.
There’s a saying: “Wise people learn from other people’s mistakes”. And I have seen a lot of them, so when I think about becoming a parent myself, I already have sooooo many things I am concerned about doing and not doing.
Another saying goes something akin to: “Everyone f*cks up their children a little bit”. I believe it, as no one is perfect and just because you’re a parent does not mean you know everything. And because of that very fact, paired with the self-reflection I have mastered from my counselling sessions; means I am hyper-aware of my flaws and what passing these on to my potential children will do. It scares the sh*t out of me.
My Mother left my sister and I with our Fathers (she thought his was best and I understand that now); however I keep getting the recurring thought of “what if one day I just want to leave?”, “what if I’m not good enough for my children?”. It makes me so sad some days. I just know if I am to have children, I have to know I want it and try my best not to mess up too wickedly.
It was only a few years ago that I started to entertain the thought of marriage; and maybe a year ago I thought about possibly entertaining the potential of children in the sometime future. It still scares me senseless for a variety of reasons (too many to put here), but I’ve resolved that: one – God will have me and bring me through every situation no matter how hard. And two – my having children is not a want of mine in-of-itself, but dependent on if I find a guy who I’d see myself happily having a family with.
I am by-no-means in a rush. My focus is myself and my career, and I truly believe the person suited for me will match my stride in life.
I know everyone has different priorities at different stages in life, and mine right now is trying to live my single life to the fullest before I have children. The thought of becoming a Mother truly does scare me, and I believe it’s because the weight of the responsibility you have and not to mention, the plethora of extraneous variables that could occur upon having children.
Does anyone else worry about: having an ill child; a terrible pregnancy; the fact that you could try your best at being a good parent and still your child goes onto make unwise decisions in life?
I think I need to stop thinking so much.
The reality that I have told myself to accept, is no ones parenting is perfect, there will always be something passed on or taught to children that is unhealthy in some way – and that for the most part a lot of children grow up to be healthy functioning adults (for the most part).
As long as I try my best and seek wisdom and keep God central to my life; it will always work out in the end. My faith is what bridges the distance between my fear of becoming a Mother and thus becoming a Mother one day.
I know I’ll have a lot of hurdles to overcome along the way, but as they say “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it”.
Do any of y’all have similar thoughts, whether you have children or not?
I have often sat back and watched some parents in my lifetime (who I think are amazing with their children); and I am honestly in awe. The wisdom I’ve gathered from these experiences is that, you cannot prepare enough for the reality of parenthood, but once you’re in it, you do what needs to be done. And that’s one thing about me: when I have something to do or achieve, I don’t think too much about it, I just do what needs to be done. I pray I have that same mindset when having children, I won’t focus on my fatigue or how they are misbehaving; but more so, be the Mother and provider they need.
One of the most detrimental things I’ve experienced in my childhood; and thus the one thing consistently on my mind to not repeat with my own children is negative talking, negative feedback, criticism, discouragement and infliction of doubt. I am still unlearning and learning things from the effects of those mentioned above. Words mean things, and no matter how hard you try, you cannot take them back.
Ever had a random moment when a long-term memory is triggered and you remember something negative someone said to you? It can still hurt years later.
Therefore, I will not let my upbringing and negative experiences of parenting to negatively affect my way of parenting; I will be wise and hopefully learn from the mistakes I’ve seen made in my childhood.
Scars remind us where we’ve been, they don’t have to dictate where we are going. – Criminal Minds (season 5, episode 10)
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