God Forbid.
Just because words mean things. Haha!
But I have noticed, some of the men I have attracted have a narcissistic streak. And I began to wonder what was it about me that attracts narcissists.
First of all what is a Narcissist?
Narcissist: someone who has an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. – Mayo Clinic
So for one of these people to have someone that suits their needs, they’d need someone who would essentially have their life revolve around theirs. Anything less would not be sufficient. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Let me tell you about how I knew someone from my past had these narcissistic tendencies.
1. They were all talk. They would paint a fairytale ideology of a relationship to try and lure me into their way of thinking. But it was all talk.
2. They lack empathy. Severely. Narcissists – for the most part – have difficulty feeling emotions deeply, usually just surface. Therefore, when it comes to seeking emotional support, they are quite dismissive and wish to move past that situation and get back to love-bombing for example.
3. They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends. I find this one super strange. I don’t like to keep many friends myself, but I have a few. It also aids with getting to know someone. The saying “you are the company you keep” rings true.
4. They are very critical towards you. Usually upon establishing a trusting rapport with someone, you tend to open up and share some vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities can then be used as a locus of criticism in future.
5. They gaslight you. One of the most tiring things is, having a conversation and repeating back what the other person says, and then they deny ever saying it. Makes you feel as though you’re going crazy and then you start to doubt yourself.
6. … and when you show them you’re really done, they lash out. Like the Devil on a bad day for real. When I finally had enough of talking to one individual, the mask completely fell away. They got angry, started telling me everything they didn’t like about me, and gaslit me further as an attempt to keep me on the phone. It’s truly a mindf*ck. I would not recommend.
Narcissists are not just present in romantic relationships, they can be related to you and be your friends. Do any of these (non-extensive traits) sound familiar to you?
It is possible to have relationships with these types of people, it’s hard though. And you must know what traits to look out for, so you don’t get caught out and intertwined in the cycle of toxicity.
I have attracted a fair few of these types of people. Here is one of my friends experiences:
I was fishing my on POF (a dating site) and I was about done with it and going to delete it, just as I picked up my phone, I saw a message from a guy – me being all superstitious saw this as a sign. 🙄 We need not forget, the Devil knows timing also.
So as you could probably guess, I rescinded my deletion of my profile to instead get to know this individual. It was surprising in the best way. This person was actually interested in who I was, what I liked, my joy and my pain, all of it. He was so charming, I indulged and shared my stories. He was such a good listener. [This stage can be termed: Luring and Trolling].
We fell into the routine of texting everyday, throughout most of the day. Days turned into weeks, and texts turned into phone and video calls. He became a part of my daily routine. I cannot quite tell you how, it just happened. [This part of the relationship can be labelled as the love-bombing, twin-ship and trance]. He would constantly shower me with compliments, when I’d share more about myself, he’d magically have the same or similar experiences and he loved to have us stare into each other’s eyes. I thought it was romantic, but the use of all three of love-bombing, twin-ship and trance made a perfect formula for manipulation.
As I mentioned before, he became a part of my routine, the centre of it really. There was one morning that I began to feel weary, it felt like too much at once. I found myself not actually wanting to talk to this individual. It was conflicting as the feeling of not wanting to speak to him surprised me, as he’d technically done nothing wrong.
The best way to describe the feeling was that I felt obligated to pick up the phone calls. And that if I didn’t, he wouldn’t like it. There were a couple of occasions, I’d accidentally miss his calls and I would phone back – not even – 30 seconds later and he would not pick up. Him missing my call could’ve been genuine, but these instances only happened when I didn’t pick up his calls. And if I didn’t pick up on the first few rings, he’d ask me why – as though I should always be ready for his calls… Tiring indeed.
There’s also this term coined “The Hypnotic Stare” which is when this individual would video call and just stare at me sometimes and then we’d make eye contact and stay there. It was like he was staring right through me most of the time, empty and dark. During one video call conversation, he was saying something that did not make sense, I pulled him up on it playfully and he did not like that. He practically stared me down, his stare was penetrative, intrusive and angry. I made a little joke to lighten things and like a switch, he was smiling again. That moment is something I’ll find hard to forget.
Reminds me when I’m home and I get jumpy with sounds etc. And my mum reminds me, it’s not the dead I should be afraid of, but the living.
Sigh***
Nonetheless, this did not manifest into an actual official relationship. Thank God. After circa 2 months, I grew tired and wanted to end this toxicity. It was one evening where I would describe this individual just shedding his mask. He proceeded to show his real colours…
We were on a video call and we were just telling each other about our days etc. One of the differences between that day and most of the rest is that, I didn’t workout. He picked up on that and began to call me lazy and tease me. Usually I would let it slide, (standing up for myself is still something I find hard to do sometimes), but I told him what he said bothered me and hurt my feelings. He responded by telling me to chill and that it was a joke. I told him it’s not funny to me. I was not backing down. He then did something hat he had done a few times over the course of us talking: he gave me the silent treatment. Literally put his phone down on a surface for a few minutes. [So childish btw]. I kept calling his name so he’d pick up his phone and I can carry on talking, he eventually did, but then he wouldn’t look at me. I asked him to pay attention and he sighed, rolled his eyes and looked at me finally. I then reiterate how my feelings were hurt by what he said previously and that joking about it wasn’t an excuse. He rolled his eyes again and switched. Instead of acknowledging what I said, he asked me “Babe, did you miss me?”.
Mindf*ck. 🤯
I gave up and told him I did not want to talk to him anymore. Relayed how the gaslighting and teasing and the silent treatment, etc were not what I was willing to tolerate anymore.
He began by stating there were many things he did not like about me, and he did me a service by not telling me beforehand. He started shouting and getting aggressive, but I was refusing to budge. I was done. He then changed tactic and said “If you do this, I won’t call you or message you again” [as though I wanted to be harassed by him any further]. I said “thank you, please don’t” and hung up. He called again after, but the next day? Nothing.
I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn’t. I believe in God, so I also believe in the Devil. I believe in spirits also. I believe in people’s energy and manifestation. All that being said, I could not sleep those next three nights. Every time I closed my eyes, I’d see him and it was haunting. I felt like I was being preyed on.
I spoke to my counsellor about it and here was me thinking the guy would have just moved in and found someone else to manipulate. But she thought he would actually be stewing about it [bearing in mind this was in the first lockdown and he was not currently working] – so he had nothing but time. Once she said that, it made sense. I am not going any deeper into this, as I feel you need to believe and have an open mind to understand. The same way you can manifest positivity, you can do so negatively. And I felt that in my spirit and in my room for three nights.
This experience taught me a lot. It highlighted traits that I can look out for, taught me to trust my discernment (which was in another level during this scenario) and to thank God that I wasn’t desperate enough to go along with it anyway.
There are so many people out there who have narcissistic, psychopathic and sociopathic traits. And for a lot of the time, when it comes to romantic relationships, they cannot function healthily in the long-term. These types of relationships are sometimes termed as “Pathological Love Relationships” and “Relationships of Inevitable Harm” whereby ‘we have a level of expectation that is not equal to our partner’s level of disorder’.
It’s super interesting to learn about these topics, harrowing to go through, vindicating to survive. 🙌🏾✨
Leave a Reply