It had been about 3+ years since I was attending a church on a regular basis. That’s quite a while to go without a chuch community – something I value quite highly. A total of 4 house moves and 2 new cities later and I have finally decided it was time to bite the bullet and visit a church.
I had done as much healing from previous church hurt as I could without actually attending a church. I think a part of me – as well as wanting more Christian friends – needed to know that not all churches were the same.
Luckily there was a church just around the corner from my current residence, so it drastically reduced the excuses I could make for not going or being late (yayy!!)
So along comes Sunday and the anxiety is on steroids. I am panicking about what to wear, if I will look acceptable and how self-conscious I will be. I thought to myself: “will people know I haven’t been to church in a long time? Will they feel pity towards me?” – I had to shake it off and just persevere.
I made it to the church… A whole hour early! Hahahahah
Oh dear, I looked up the church online, not realising that there were multiple churches that had different staft times. So after getting all nervous and managing to calm myself down, I had to go home and sit around for an hour. If anything, that gave me time to think about whether I really wanted to go…
Long story short, I went and I enjoyed it. At the end of the service, they did the announcement for people who were attending for the first time to wave, so that a member of the church could come and say hi etc.
One of the pastors approached me and we spoke for a little and swapped numbers (before you say it, I know. Why am I giving my number out so quickly? Because I give the benefit of the doubt, that’s why).
I question that decision though, I really do
Fast forward to 3/4 visits to this church and I have been invited to have coffee with the same pastor who took my number.
Saturday comes and I am on time for coffee, the pastor comes and brings another member of the church a university student. We ordered drinks and food and sat down. The conversation started off amicably, dare I say, I was enjoying myself. Cue – what I believe to be the true reason for coffee – the paster asking me: “So you seem organised, are you an admin person or are you into tech?”.
Cue my confusion.
I didn’t answer the question, I was still stuck on confusion, as we were just discussing books and travel. I then countered with my own question, once I realised the motive: “Are you trying to recruit me?”
The outrage! Both the pastor and the other member of the church were shocked, the pastor was denying it and stated that he was just asking. That was the end of the conversation… He dropped me home and I carried on with my day.
Then comes Sunday, and that very same pastor gets up and preaches a sermon using our encounter as an anecdote – I was kept anonymous and I wasn’t entirely surprised – it just seemed a little smarmy to me. And I felt a little slighted – that week after service, we didn’t get a chance to speak, but that instance stuck with me and bugged me for a few days after.
Nonetheless, I went for another service. This time I was chased, as I was leaving the church after the service had finished by the pastor as he exclaimed that when he said “don’t leave in a hurry after service”, he was talking to me -_-
Right. So he asked me to wait, I did. Whilst I waited I was approached by another member and we began talking about general topics (I actually would like to make friends in church). Then she asked me “If you had to pick, where would you serve: ushering or maybe production?”. Again I was flummoxed, I kinda felt like one of two things: there had been whispers about me and trying to get me to serve in the church, or everyone had already been indoctrinated to assume every person who walks through the front doors, MUST want to serve.
I infact do not. I would just like to attend every Sunday and enjoy listening to God’s word and partaking in some good worship.
Anyway, back to the scene. I indulged and asked about what the two types of roles consist of and she began explaining these and highlighting the times I would be required to turn up
*Pauses to bare my teeth*
I said okay and then she took that to mean I would want to be a part of a team. She asked for my number (yes, okay, yes I gave it, much to my instant regret) and I became a member of a group chat – (if anyone knows my past church trauma, you know how I cannot stand group chats, and currently all but one are muted) – I was required to share a video each day helping to advertise their weekend-long conference.
I felt I was in chains. What happened to care-free attendance at church, why am I being roped into serving?
Then came the next installment, another member of the church in charge of taking videos that were advertising the conference, came and asked – but not asked – me to do the video.
I was very reluctant – I will admit, I still find it hard to say no sometimes, especially when you can understand the judgement faced in church situations – where the word “no” is seen as taboo. No I will not say “yes” to everything, I am no robot or your ‘yes man’. However, i think I was exactly that in this situation – as I stood there and repeated whatever was requested. I was nervous, I didn’t want to do it and felt very uncomfortable.
The pastor finally came back after the videographer left and asked the first lady I spoke to if they sorted me a team to serve on – as though I was invisible – he just said “ushering, do that” and ran off. I just said I’ll think about it as I left, she even tried to get me to stay and even join the “staff meeting”. Ha, I couldn’t get out of there quick enough
As I walked home, I felt somewhat disassociated from myself, as I couldn’t fully believe what I had just let happen. I felt so silly and disappointed in myself.
From that day, I didn’t go to church for a while, and still haven’t been since. I slowly faded out of the group chat and exited it. I didn’t see the video of myself that was recorded, which was a small relief.
Church began playing on my mind more, as eventhough my experience with this current church wasn’t favourable, I still really wanted to attend a church and I was actually really enjoying their church services despite it all.
A week or two passed, and I got a message from the pastor saying: he hoped to see me at church and said he needed to talk to me. I asked what he needed to talk to me about. Do you want to know what he said?
“You will know when we talk”
The cheek!!!
I did not respond, nor did I turn up at church on Sunday. The nerve! When did I revert back into a child? “You will know when we talk”?!
I am laughing in astonishment. WTF?!
So after all of that, you could imagine, I am not in a rush to go back. I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do, as I still want to go to a church. And I know that this is not the only church left on planet Earth, but it’s hard to find a good church. If you know, you know.
I did end up going back to church and it didn’t last long. I just wanted to enjoy, I do not want to obligation of being present every Sunday. Been there, done that, not interested in another round. I just missed church community and wanted to be a part of one
Maybe it is possible, I will see. Nonetheless, I am still navigating church life and how to incorporate it, in a way that is comfortable to me.
Wish me well, I will need it 😀
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