LOST

My head is a jumble of thoughts, good, bad and ugly

I don’t know which way to turn or where to go

No one to turn to, all alone

I want someone there to tell me everything is gonna be okay

But every time I put my faith in someone I am disappointed

 

 

I’m used to it

 

 

Life completely overwhelms me

University, family, friendships and personal life

I deal with it all alone, all the time

I feel like I’m going crazy, all the thoughts racing around my head

I’m confused and scared

Like a fish out of water, I don’t know what I’m doing

I turn to my friends for solace and comfort, nothing but a door in my face

 

 

I’m used to it

 

 

I’ve exhausted all my options, all I have is myself

The only thing I know to do is self-destruct

A bottle of rum and a razor will do

As the blade cuts my skin, I get a rush, I even enjoy it

Watching that red river flow

The rum, it burns my chest, but that’s okay because I hurt already anyway

 

 

I’m used to it

 

 

A small part of me hates what I do to myself, a horrible feeling

It’s a vicious cycle, only ending in my death

I’m in despair, at the end of my tether

There’s only so many times I can put my body through this and survive another day

I know I cannot depend on people

90% of the time they let you down

 

 

I’m used to it

 

 

There’s always something in the background, like static in my ears

I know He’s there, I feel Him, I hear Him

Being a fatalistic person, I like to pity myself even if there’s help available

I ignore Him, pretending He doesn’t exist, giving myself a valid reason to harm myself repeatedly

But always, just before I go too far, He’s there always

Despite my cursing and complete disregard for Him and His power

He always proves me wrong

When I need Him the most, He’s that foundation which a church was built upon

Sturdy, safe and reliable

I could do anything and He will still love me

He forgives all my sins, washes them away with the ocean

I feel clean and whole with Him in my life

I’m worthy, He made me so

I can’t do anything without Him

He gives me strength when I am weak and sorrowful

He gives me hope when I’ve lost all faith in everyone I know

I only know what love is through Him, and I am blessed beyond to have His love

Through Him, I accept the things I cannot change

I believe in a better future, a better life

I believe in myself, because He believes in me

I can do anything and everything with God on my side

I am beautiful, the kind of beautiful that stops you in your tracks, because God made me that way

I am smart, kind, loving and caring

I am everything I tell myself I am not, because He reminds me everyday, even when I don’t want to listen

I am worthy, I am so worthy

My skin should remain untouched, no blade shall cut anymore

Alcohol will be a rarity

No more abuse

He woke me up

I am awake

And most importantly, I am not ALONE

 

 

I once was lost but now I’m found;
was blind but now I see