My head is a jumble of thoughts, good, bad and ugly
I don’t know which way to turn or where to go
No one to turn to, all alone
I want someone there to tell me everything is gonna be okay
But every time I put my faith in someone I am disappointed
I’m used to it
Life completely overwhelms me
University, family, friendships and personal life
I deal with it all alone, all the time
I feel like I’m going crazy, all the thoughts racing around my head
I’m confused and scared
Like a fish out of water, I don’t know what I’m doing
I turn to my friends for solace and comfort, nothing but a door in my face
I’m used to it
I’ve exhausted all my options, all I have is myself
The only thing I know to do is self-destruct
A bottle of rum and a razor will do
As the blade cuts my skin, I get a rush, I even enjoy it
Watching that red river flow
The rum, it burns my chest, but that’s okay because I hurt already anyway
I’m used to it
A small part of me hates what I do to myself, a horrible feeling
It’s a vicious cycle, only ending in my death
I’m in despair, at the end of my tether
There’s only so many times I can put my body through this and survive another day
I know I cannot depend on people
90% of the time they let you down
I’m used to it
There’s always something in the background, like static in my ears
I know He’s there, I feel Him, I hear Him
Being a fatalistic person, I like to pity myself even if there’s help available
I ignore Him, pretending He doesn’t exist, giving myself a valid reason to harm myself repeatedly
But always, just before I go too far, He’s there always
Despite my cursing and complete disregard for Him and His power
He always proves me wrong
When I need Him the most, He’s that foundation which a church was built upon
Sturdy, safe and reliable
I could do anything and He will still love me
He forgives all my sins, washes them away with the ocean
I feel clean and whole with Him in my life
I’m worthy, He made me so
I can’t do anything without Him
He gives me strength when I am weak and sorrowful
He gives me hope when I’ve lost all faith in everyone I know
I only know what love is through Him, and I am blessed beyond to have His love
Through Him, I accept the things I cannot change
I believe in a better future, a better life
I believe in myself, because He believes in me
I can do anything and everything with God on my side
I am beautiful, the kind of beautiful that stops you in your tracks, because God made me that way
I am smart, kind, loving and caring
I am everything I tell myself I am not, because He reminds me everyday, even when I don’t want to listen
I am worthy, I am so worthy
My skin should remain untouched, no blade shall cut anymore
Alcohol will be a rarity
No more abuse
He woke me up
I am awake
And most importantly, I am not ALONE
I once was lost but now I’m found;
was blind but now I see
