Mind-Boggle

You say “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

You say “I don’t trust you anymore.”

You say “Being with you is like rolling a dice, picking a number and that would determine how you act.”

 

I ask too many questions.

I expect too much

I say the wrong things

 

You say “You’re fake!”

You say “You’re so petty.”

You say “You this… You that…”

 

I am stubborn

I am too much

I am all wrong

 

Bit by bit, my structure of thought is changing

The more I spend time with you, the more I am monitoring my behaviour: the less I talk; the less I share my opinions; the less I am myself

 

We used to be so close, so unfiltered, so ourselves in each other’s presence

 

Now all I do is apologise, even when I know I am not in the wrong

 

I have come to realise that I am not comfortable around you anymore, I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, I am scared of using the wrong tone. Worst of all, I am scared to be honest

 

You make me feel as though I cannot be myself around you, that everything I do is wrong

You cause me to think that everything about me is wrong

My entire existence…

 

I am only beginning to see the damage being done to my self-esteem and self-worth. I have begun to question my identity and if everything I do really is wrong

 

The reality is: not only do you make me feel like being myself is wrong (and even when I am trying to make changes you criticise the changes I make), but I realise that I cannot be myself around you any longer. I am starting to question who I am in relation to you. I cannot make a single move without thinking that I am doing something wrong.

 

How did this happen?

 

We are in the midst of a transition, with the mutual goal of being strictly friends…

However, I have just begun to accept that this may not even be a possibility

 

I promised myself that I would not lose myself in another human being, but lo and behold, here I am policing myself to suit your needs and preferences

 

NOT ANYMORE

 

You will probably never realise just how much your words hurt me, how they affect me, how they are stuck on repeat in my mind

 

But I refuse to let your words change my behaviour

I refuse to forget who I am in Christ

I refuse to hold your standard as my own

I refuse to let your words have power over me

I refuse to let you undo this masterpiece called Samara Johnson

I refuse your negativity

I refuse your lack of self-love

 

I am no longer sorry

I am no longer second-guessing myself

I am no longer making myself smaller for you

 

I have worked (and am still working hard) to love myself just how God loves me, and I would be a fool to let your words, nothing but breeze in my ears, stop me from loving myself