CB: The Need to be Needed

I have come to realise I entertain something that is low-key detrimental to myself and others. This is the “need to be needed”.

What a phenomenon.

Anyone else suffering with me?

I have started to think about where this has stemmed from and I know it’s partly because I’ve looked after my younger siblings when I was younger and this was taking on that bigger responsibility.

I still feel that I am needed somewhat whenever I go home.

This has also stemmed into some of my friendships.

People know I am a great listener and we live in a world where very few people take the time to listen. So when you do have someone who is willing to listen, you take it.

I am used to being the listening ear, agony aunt and advice giver to my friends. For the most part I love that role, I happen to be very good at it.

And although I am doing these things because I care, it’s argued that no truly selfless act exists. Because truth be told, I get something out of helping people. I just feel good abuts myself and glad that I’ve been a help to someone else.

Nonetheless, this can turn ugly when sometimes I’m not being called on like I usually am. And that is when I start to feel all the negatives.

I am useless. I am not important. I am not needed.

And it is so toxic. If anything, in those moments I should be relieved, because I’d have some time to spend upon myself and check in on my well-being.

But I’ve come to realise there is a belief I need to unlearn (that I’ve had from a young age). And it’s that “putting others before yourself is how to show you love and care”. Not saying this is completely untrue, but a balance is required. I cannot be pouring into someone else, when I’m running on empty. I cannot help someone else, before I’ve helped myself. I cannot help people the way my heart wants to, if I am not at my best.

And in order for me to be at my best, I need to put myself first. Create boundaries for myself. Check in with my mental well-being before ok-ing someone confiding in me.

I used to think it was cool to be distinguished from everybody else for being so worn down and tired from helping everyone else. I used to think suffering was cool.

Let me tell you, it is not!

When I have these moments of being bereft from being someone’s helping hand; I have to remind myself that I am so much more than that. I have so much more to offer and I am not solely defined by what I do for other people.

I remind myself of who I am and whose I am. That I have purpose. And that I am and can do some much more than I even know.

It’s crazy how we sometimes can belittle and measure our worth based on what other people think of us; and it never ends well. I know i end up in existential despair, questioning “what is the point?”.

I watched a sermon recently where the pastor was giving an illustration of our own self-perception. For example: someone saying they are a good spouse, well how would they know? They’ve never been married to themselves.

So whilst this was focused on there being things in us that need restoring that we cannot see (because we don’t experience ourselves the way others do); there’s also the perspective that we can be doing so much more than we even realise. We can be making a much bigger impact than we know, but because I am not experiencing myself the way everyone else is, I wouldn’t know.

I do believe I am rambling now.

Nonetheless, I have battled with being a consistent blogger because right never thought anyone cared enough to read my work. But as I’ve become more consistent, people are starting to randomly approach me and share how my blog has resonated with them, etc. I had noooooo idea. And each time someone tells me they enjoy my blog, not only am I encouraged to remain consistent, but I am also gaining an idea of just how much affect I am having on people. And I love it.

The truth is we are all needed in this planet for some reason, I think a large part of life is becoming and discovering our purpose. We all have a part to play, that is how God intended it.

I still discovering what part I have to play, and I must say I’m loving the journey so far (mostly 🥲)

This is definitely something I am going to explore in my next session. Need to unlearn and learn some things.

This counselling process isn’t always easy, but I am reaping the fruits and enjoying the harvest 😜

If you happen to be feeling insignificant or unworthy, shake it off and just know you are of extreme importance to more people than you even know.

Stay blessed xo