Seriously for those of you who don’t know God, I don’t know how you do life. No disrespect, but I would’ve been dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for Him.
I need something bigger and more powerful than myself to hold onto when life gets rough, because everything else is impermanent. People are fickle, your family are mostly who’d you’d never really choose and there are a lot of days where I feel so very alone. No matter how people talk to me.
One Saturday recently, I had chosen to do some overtime. That took up most of my day, but I preferred it that way. Besides overtime my day was quite bland. Although the sun was shining, I didn’t want to go outside. I was feeling lonely, wanted company, but everyone was far away. It took me until 10pm to finally put on some Gospel and just be with God. I just soaked Him in and I started to cry. Not just because He’s always with me, but because where most of the time I’m by myself He’s the only one keeping me going.
I seem to have mastered putting everyone else before myself. And it’s so detrimental. So for the most part I keep my bad days to myself, my low moods, my dark thoughts; because there really never is a right time to bring a rain cloud is there?
How many times have we all cried in private and no one knows? I’ve cried myself to sleep many times.
Also, does anyone else crave all the bad things when they are feeling lonely and sad? I do. But when I’m in my worst compulsive mood, I know God’s right there because all those things I’m reaching for aren’t there. The people I sometimes want to depend on (instead of God); the old bad habits I’ve kicked; the energy to do something I can’t take back. All gone. And it’s just God.
And in those moments where I no longer have the capacity to care for anything, especially myself, God just comes in. I cannot explain exactly what He does, but He gives me exactly what I need in that moment. Something no one else can give.
So on nights like tonight when I’m feeling so alone, unimportant and insignificant; I remember as I gaze out my window that I’ll always have God.
I love how He’s there for everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. He’s the only one who can know us inside out and still love us wholly. No money in all the world could buy you that. Priceless.
And just like that, I have enough faith to go another day.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll find my purpose again, but right now I’m just ruminating in Gods presence. He’s keeping me company tonight and every night 🥲💛
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