So cool, cold and disinterested.
Me.
So open, honest and wanting.
A whirlwind of a journey you joined me on.
Three years of my life
I lasted longer than I give myself credit for.
Too much to fit into this one space.
Deep breaths.
You knew exactly who I was, you knew exactly what you wanted, you knew exactly how to get it.
Sweet messages sent back and forth
Making me smile, making my mind manifest possible scenarios between you and I.
We meet, we start a friendship. All along I wanted a little bit more. Like cheese to a mouse, you were constant temptation, even a tease to me.
You knew exactly how to get what you wanted. You had patience. Such a good actor. I didn’t even realise I was just a means to an end.
Manipulation was your tool.
You had me wrapped around your little finger.
I got a boyfriend, you didn’t like it, you fed me lies, and I ate them up, I ended my relationship. And just like that I am all yours again.
You tell me you want me to give you an obscene amount of money for your birthday, I cannot because I don’t have a job, you stop talking to me, punishing me for being unable to do things your way.
You pursue my close friend, you paraded the relationship in front of me, it lasted for a year. Although you and I had no sexual relations, you made sure I was made subject to the goings-on of your relationship.
You move onto my cousin, start a relationship, but all the while still being intimate with me, I had zero self-worth so I allowed it (even thought I needed it), I knew it was wrong but I didn’t even know what I needed, what I deserved. Over the expanse of several months, you have two willing women at your beck and call. You get my cousin pregnant, you’d think this would be the last straw… But I still allow you to use me knowing that I was second best.
It took me telling you that I loved you, whilst in the same breath revealing my tendency to self-harm to see you for who you really are. And if I didn’t know any better I would have believed that I imagined telling you, for the way you ignored my words, my existence, the pain screaming out at you.
Three years of my life.
Three amazingly long years.
One thing about me is that once I am done, I am done.
I remember that day… I told you I cannot be “friends” with you anymore and you made one last ditch effort to make amends. You asked “what can I do?” and I replied “I don’t know” but in my head I thought there’s nothing you could do, and I damn sure am not going to be the person to tell you how to make it right, when you’ve done me so wrong.
I said goodbye and never looked back. That night my heart hurt like hell, I cried so hard. The next day? God put my heart back together again and set me back on my path. You were just a distraction, a good one I’ll give you that. However nothing and no one can keep me from my destiny in life. No one.
It took me a while to realise that I had been made subject to domestic violence
That silly misconception that it only manifests itself physically
However, the mental and emotional damage done was done in excess.
I had to rewire my way of thinking, look at myself differently, make myself believe the truth and not what you led me to believe.
I am strong. (sometimes too much for my own good)
I am beautiful.
I am worth it.
I am more than enough!
You saw me, you knew what you wanted and you knew how to get it.
You knew what I had to offer, what I wanted to give, you wanted it all. And you nearly took it all.
Empty. Lost. Confused. Depressed. So close to death…
But by the grace of God, your time in my life passed.My aunt always told me “This Too Shall Pass”
A never again kinda thing.
You had your time, I cannot take that back
But I took myself back, you can no longer have me.
I am happy that everything has it’s expiry date.
In the bad situations we get important lessons, a jarring reminder to not make the same mistake again.
In the good situations we learn gratitude and how to live in the moment.
We lost Samara Johnson for a little while. I would look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back, but she’s back, she’s present and better than you could ever imagine.
This knowledge blew my mind and really reinforced my position in life. I need to utilise those five things before I can let someone beyond these walls.
Once I am sure in my identity, I will never lose it in someone else. Once I have steadfast parameters, no one will ever be able to cross them.
I am gallant, empowered and ready for this new chapter. I am calling it:
“Finding Samara Johnson”
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