Never one to be obnoxious about my personal attributes, but I would say I am a pretty well-rounded person. And I have just realised that in wanting something really badly, I have turned into someone I don’t even recognise…
It started rather spontaneously, we sparked a conversation, found we had common interests and a solid friendship began to form.
A year on and we say we are best friends, we spend more time with each other one-on-one. He sees us as being in a platonic friendship, but in my heart I start to have romantic feelings. I begin to see my behaviour change towards him and my behaviour changed because of him.
It started with a thought of him in the morning and another at night, but eventually he was a constancy on my mind. I would religiously check that he was doing well. I would cook, clean and cater to him. He didn’t know it, but he had all of me, all he had to do was snap his fingers and I’d wait for his command.
I loved all of him, every little bit. Bits I hadn’t even seen. To me, he was the most handsome, gentle and kind man I have had the good fortune of knowing. My feelings ever grew to sexual heights. Every night I would take myself over the edge… roll over and say good night.
He became every part of my being, every thought was of him, every action for him. I was whole before I met him, and I realised without him I am only part of a person. I became obsessed. Reliant on him. Every part of my being was ruled by him, his actions and emotions.
I must stress, to him we only had a platonic relationship. All the romance was in my head. One night I bit the bullet and asked:
Do you ever foresee you and I being more than friends?
He said “no” and I laughed it off and left it there pretending I was okay, however it felt like a blow to my chest.
Nights went by and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I needed answers because in my mind, he was already mine. I couldn’t wait any longer and I sent him an essay full of questions and demands:
- ERM.. The conversation a few nights back has been playing on my mind and I just needed help understanding, so my silly “girl” brain doesn’t kick in.
- Just a few questions playing on my mind if you answered them, it would help 🙂
- 1. Do you like me or not?
- 2. Why do you feel you need to stay single?
- 3. You can’t see us together, how come?
- 4. Is it me?
- 5. When you say you want me to be happy, what did you actually mean?
- I respect you enough to be honest with you, I feel it can be a natural progression to have romantic feelings for someone you’re very close to and I think its obvious how I feel about you.
- Please help me understand your thoughts, I’m putting myself out there again for the last time, don’t think my heart can take another blow after this lol 🙂
- If you really have no feelings I’ll let it go, can’t tell how long it will take. Not wanting to put pressure on you, I just want to know your perception cause I could just be seeing what I want to see
I could not seem to understand how I could have fallen so deeply in love with the guy and he felt nothing. His only reply:
I am feeling a little overwhelmed
I felt at a loss, nothing else could have been said. I had said everything.
Time passed and I had felt it was time to try again. I said to myself, I need him to physically tell me that he didn’t like me for me to know for sure… It took some time but he did it, his text:
I don’t like you in a romantic way
Truth be told, it hurt a hell of a lot more than previously anticipated. But low and behold, there it was. That one sentence immediately brought me back to reality with a thud. It was all in my head. My own little fairy-tale, happy place. Destroyed.
The brain is a powerful thing, if you tell yourself something enough, you will believe it as though it were the truth. It’s scary. And because of this, my friendship hangs in the balance. In limbo if you like.
I am awake! But am I too little too late?
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